A Blue Streak and The Hardest Word

Did it make him feel better, I wonder, to speed off in his blue pickup without telling me goodbye? I suppose it gives one a sense of power to be the one to run – to turn his back on or otherwise avoid an undesirable situation. I imagined him driving away muttering a, “Whew! That was close!” to himself, or banging the steering wheel with an exclamation of “Yes!” in victory over me.

Before that moment I imagined a different ending. I thought he might pull me aside sometime during our visit to say he was sorry too and we could share a hug, say we’ll do better and move forward. But that silent departure showed me that he would rather stew, rather hold onto that hurt and that grudge – keep it alive, keep nursing it and letting it grow. If I had managed to catch him before he sped off, I just would have hugged him. I wouldn’t have asked for anything more, but I suppose even that was more than he could give.

It is interesting to me at the number of people I know who cannot muster an apology. Part of being emotionally strong and intelligent is recognizing that you are not perfect. I have never met a perfect person. I have no trouble with apologies and I don’t hang on to what I deem as wrongdoings by others. I’ve said I was sorry to him more than once. It is up to him to accept it and realize his conduct was not exemplary either and respond similarly. But that obviously won’t happen. The utterance of the words “I’m sorry” is to him a mark of weakness rather than emotional strength. It is a gloomy situation and one that will carry on in a fog of anger, unhappiness and disappointment until he decides to clear it.

I am told to give it time – he will come around. What if my plane had crashed on the return trip home? What if I die tomorrow? Would his cold shoulder bring him comfort then? Tomorrows are not guaranteed any of us, so if I can offer advice from this experience it is that apologies, peace and forgiveness should be part of your emotional repertoire now. We shouldn't wait or postpone forgiveness because it's momentarily uncomfortable. And "sorry" should not be the hardest word.

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